Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
