Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
