great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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