someone threw a dead crab at me
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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