What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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