If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
