where does the pee come out of this thing
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
