but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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