I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize