If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
