A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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