Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
