I wish I could teleport
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
