She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
