I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
