I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
