The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
sarcasm needs its own font
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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