Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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