i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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