he told me I talked like a deaf person
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize