my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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