the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
