I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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