I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
