If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
