Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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