I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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