I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
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