I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
It's shark week go big or go home
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
