I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
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He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
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He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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