it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
