Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
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