I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
