did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
