I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
