I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
