I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
