i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
