dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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