You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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