can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
