Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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