Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
