remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
