Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
