Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
