remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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