Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
