I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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