just tell him i said nine months
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
