I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
