I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
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After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
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Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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