For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
