We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
