everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
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Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
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I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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