someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
