i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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