she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
