now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We are all done wearing pants today
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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